A Letter to a Chefs Wife

Combining a professional kitchen role with a relationship is one of the most difficult tasks a chef and his/her spouse will undertake, here’s a letter I wrote my wife when after a 20 hour shift she complained and expressed her disapproval about my role and its demands

Today Has been tough.. for both of us, for all of us, you because you have to put up with a lot being married to a chef, me because I have to put up with you being married to a chef and the family because, well they have to put up with us both. So these disagreements over my work type, the hours I work, the stress that being in a professional kitchen puts me under….. lets break it down.

1. The job you do is nothing like one in a kitchen, unless a person has worked in that environment they simply cannot comprehend or understand, so therefore cannot judge

2. Chefs don’t work for money, if they did there simply would not be any chefs. The hours are longer than the paychecks, the hours are depicted by the amount of order checks coming from a printer and how long it takes to clean down whilst exhausted

3. Chefs are judged and criticized every minute of every day, their work is constantly being scrutinized and evaluated, so with that in mind how would you feel if when you came home from that environment you got the same treatment from a non-understanding partner

4, You may think your tired, but take my word, after a shift on a cookline exhaustion is just the brink of it, so if I fall asleep on the couch, don’t complain, trust me any conversation would not be of good quality until after the “power nap”

5. I know you worry about me, the hours I work, you worry because you care, I get that I really do and I love you for that but giving me an argument at the end of a 20 hour shift or on a well earn’t day off will not help or improve anything, in fact it just increases the stress and puts even more pressure on us.
Think about it for one moment – your a chef, on shift you cater for the needs of hundreds of customers and their families, you have responsibilities for several kitchen team, you have to operate a food safe environment, you resolve problems, create solutions, keep harmony in a heated work place, ensure profitability, ensure the guys are paid properly ensure they eat, are safe and get on with each other – its not just cooking – you have responsibilities, very demanding responsibilities, stressful, yes? now add to that the worry about whats waiting for you at home because you’ve punched out late, because yet again you have had to cover a shift or that problem has taken longer than expected making you late, pushing those weekly hours up, going home becomes a minefield so you act accordingly

6. All Chefs are paranoid! this again comes from the constant daily scrutiny, so don’t be surprised if he/she takes offense from something you said – to you it may of seemed and innocent comment, to him its a stab in the hart an attack on his person or even his character

7. showing empathy goes a lot further than being confrontational.
Remember he works in a confrontational environment so hes an expert – your not, arguing with a paranoid confrontational perfectionist whilst your emotional isn’t going to go well

8. “You work always comes first!!!” “you put us last” and phrases like this truly hurt, why? simply their not true. In reality any hospitality role actually overtakes a persons life, you become a part in a very big machine and can only stop when that machine stops. Your sat at a table in a restaurant and after looking at your watch you call the waiter about the time on your food. “sorry the chefs left to go home part way through cooking your food” would you be happy, trust me I would love to educate every punter who comes in and orders 3 courses at 5 minutes to closing time.

9. kitchens need to be left clean regardless, sometimes it can take 30 minutes and other times it can take several hours, its not a set job with set hours, so accusing a chef of “being late” is unfair.

10, and last but definitely not least. “your not the only one in that kitchen, cant someone else do it?” Now this is a big question and one in which you really do have to accept as fact because you wont understand what being a head chef/kitchen manger really means, but I will do my best.

When a ships captain leaves his sinking ship before his crew and passengers, he is ridiculed, Why, because he is ultimately responsible for everything, yes he has subordinates who take on some of his duties, but essentially he is in control, the glue, the oil and the foundation. hes the one who steps in when there is a missing part, hes the problem solver, the social worker, father, mother, big brother, guide, mentor and ultimately the Boss.

In a Kitchen the chef/manager is the captain. I wont ever apologize for my choice in career, its all I know and its in my blood, all I ask is that after 20 years you realize that you chose a chef as a partner, and all of the above comes with that. I cant and wont ask you to stop being you so please don’t ask me to stop being me. I am working towards a goal, a future, a better life work balance, this will take time and the journey will be rough but it will benefit me you and the kids, so bear with me ,the job and my tiredness, that’s what being a chefs wife entails, have a look at this,https://www.google.co.uk/url…

so thats it, please read and then read again but read with an open mind and put your own biased thoughts to one side, you may not agree or even understand what I have said but at least its there on the table
My love for you and the family is endless never doubt that. regardless of how much time my work demands